No More Butt Crack Jokes From Me

Why plumbers are more important than doctors.

There are around 800,000 practicing doctors in the US, from general practitioners to neurosurgeons and cardiologists.

That’s roughly one for every 370 people.

But, there is only one plumber, pipefitter or steamfitter available for every 500 people if the real emergency comes along.

After thirty years or so of being a member of the SIUM (screwing it up myself) club, I have finally decided it’s time to call in a specialist.

You know, one who can tell the difference from a compression fitting and a plunger.

SIUM-The Hard Way

  • Water finds a way. No matter how hard you tighten, how much you putty or how often you employ the magic words, water will find a way to leak into an area where it will cause the most damage.
  • If you notice a small “bubble” in the ceiling paint-don’t touch it! That thin coat of paint is the only thing standing between your breakfast and the many-years build up of stuff seeping from the bathroom shower above.
  • Sweating joints has nothing to do with the gym.
  • There is no such thing as “standard” when it comes to parts and fittings. Each manufacturer or commercial supplier offers different parts for the same brand of fixture. This, by design frustrates the SIUMs of the world and no doubt, keeps the professionals punching a clock.
  • Measure everything (see above). A shower stall bought from the local SIUM store is not the same size as the one that came with the house thirty years ago. I have since solved the problem, by showering sideways.
  • Necessary tools for all SIUMs: plunger, snake and a BFH (not found on Face Book).
  • The plunger: This handy tool is the first line of defense when the toilet is running over with who-knows-what, spilling onto the floor and running down the stairs. Don’t worry if you don’t know how to use this particular item-you won’t be able to find it anyway.
  • The flexible power closet auger or “snake”. This device can extend up to 25 feet into the toilet bowl, through traps and junctions, almost to the point where it is needed. It is guaranteed to loosen up and release years of trapped sewer gas and unknown chemical compounds, right into your face. A good gag reflex is a must.
  • The BFH-no explanation necessary. Simply apply, and then call a real plumber. You will have caused considerable damage to your home but the feeling of smashing the dirty rotten porcelain bastard into oblivion, will be well worth it.

I can’t tell you the name of my doctor but I’m confident that if I have a heart attack, someone will call 911 and there will be a qualified professional waiting to take care of me.

My plumber-is on speed dial.

 

Why Is It?

Why is it, when I try to pass someone who is traveling in the slow lane-he speeds up?

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